Currently Canticum Canticorum see related

i am tired of wasting my life.... even in the last years when i act productively i am only killing time.  i am always trying to act all srz biz.  always explaining myself to people.  even to myself i get obsessed with explaining myself.  the barbarism of reflection!  and it is all just killing time.  how hideously adept one gets at this as one gets older, without ceasing to wait for the same wishes of the child-self's heart. 

i think for me to stop killing time and merely pass it, is the first thing of all.  it's not necessarily going to gain me wealth, happiness or even survival but it has to be done.  who knows if they will make it?  make what?  make *it,* a most specific artifact.  it is hard to make it, and you never quite see the way forward clearly.  failure is not to be feared, but even more vain is trying to avoid the fear itself.  sometimes you are close to success and then is when you get scared.  but it is like rowing upstream in that the best way to go is diametrically against the current. 

what else to say?  at some point you have to give up the possibility of everybody being satisfied with you.  for that matter, even their being satisfactorily educated as to who you are is not a fruit which grows on this earth.  some people will hold you dear even if they do not understand you.  some people do not get you and they hate you for this.  occasionally somebody cherishes you greatly based on a fake version of you, and then becomes a convert due to disappointed hopes of the most virulent negativity.  you used to pass their test, and now you don't.  horrors!  they think that they get you because they can take a test in their own brains, adequately filling in categories that they themselves invented.  however, at some point both groups of people must be ignored.  the ones that care for you don't know enough to be of help, and you can't quite help them yet either.  the ones that care about their spectral ideals bearing your name can't be helped out of their own delusion, because they are unteachable, or frankly not worth your while to instruct, because they have no real potential to use what you show them, and also, may become so enraged at your failure to fit in their mental molds that they end up decisively hindering your progress. 

it goes too far to say that you can make it on your own.  not only is other people's help important, but certain others can stop you dead if they don't simply twist your progress out of shape so far that it barely resembles your own anymore.  it is important that this fact be recognized if only because it is a part and parcel of the other major truth being discussed here, namely that a human being does not live long enough to be able to explain everything and anything on demand either to oneself or to anybody else.  you don't even have to be quite justified in your own eyes.....  maybe with immortals it is different.  i would not know about that. 

http://www.rci.rutgers.edu/~wcd/collave.html

i agree with dowling!  for a fraction of their silly sports budget and asinine architectural adventures they could plant green things and build many delightful georgian buildings.  it is foolish to bet on fads when you could purchase a sure thing that stood the test of time.  i feel bad when i think about rutgers because what does it have going for it really?  the people!  that is all i can say like it is this third world country full of nothing but earnest, optimistic refugee campers, oliver twists, horatio algerians, tolstoyan folk sages, and slumdog millionaires to be.  in short, way too "plucky."  pluck should all be outsourced to poor countries or at least to the south.  whereas everyone knows that rutgers is full of italian-mahwah-ian indie rockers, korean-edisonian gangster types, genius foreigners, and a troupe of narcoleptic art students.  in short rutgers' people are not its most valuable natural resource, because if so then that would make new jersey part of the third world.  they are not some kind of human capital, which is a sick term anyway.  they are just great. 

doing nothing to help any verifiable human beings, in the name of publicity tricker by a state school should be illegal afnd is obviously stupid when you could be on such sure things as 1) trees 2) georgic 3) 24-7 library access [[[[FFFingS.  i was reading that some dude at a berkeley alumni meeting actually just stood up and paid like 30G for the library stuff.  why does nobody at rutgers do this?  perhaps actually just stupid?]]]]  moreover there is the principle of it in that even if football is a way to make money and attracts certain kinds of people still an educational institution should not use human stupidity as one of its marketing tools.  if education is dependent on stupidity then what is the point of education?  in some sense i think that RU is becoming like those poor towns and humans that live and die for football.  although it was already said that all of the united states is like that to begin with.  i mean, everyone has to live and die for something but the point of college is to give you options what you live and die for, not to seduce you with one big overdetermining "dream." 

Ooch, not so clear.  What I meant is, while an animal can't be a plant, and is evil to pretend, also a man can't be a plant.  But it is still better for a man to pretend to be a plant than to be an animal pretending to be a plant.  At any rate, if you are an animal you may as well be a plant also.  But that means that you have to be a plant as really as you are an animal, which is bewildering to me.